In January 2018 the 2 week wait had come to an end and it was time to pee on that stick. An agonising 3 minutes later, I turned it over to reveal 2 faint blue lines! It had worked! I was pregnant! And only the second month of trying. As a true control freak I had peed on ovulation sticks months before we even decided to start trying for a baby in the hope I would nail down my ovulation date. And I had! That control freak nature would come back to bite me on the arse later! Overall my pregnancy was relatively straight forward. However, routine bloods presented an issue with some hormones which lead to a CVS (a procedure where they take placental tissue through a needle) and extra scans throughout the duration of the pregnancy. I tried to view it as extra chances to see my baby, however it did plant seeds of anxiety from those early weeks.
Her birth was rapid. Contractions started at 5.45pm and she was born into water no less than 4 ½ hours later. Magical yet overwhelming. I have a clear memory in the final stages of pushing that I didn’t want her to be born yet because everything I had ever known was about to change forever. I guess looking back this was the first sign I might struggle with the adjustment of becoming a Mum. In those initial days I was kept on the Postnatal ward because we struggled to establish breastfeeding. A rushed trip to Westfield shopping centre for my husband came up with the goods of nipple shields and they let me go home to settle into life as a new family.
From that point on breastfeeding was a battle. Sore nipples, crap latches, a fussy baby and all the time me thinking “this is supposed to be easy, what am I doing wrong?” I didn’t believe she was getting enough milk from me and thought I was putting her in danger despite the scales telling the complete opposite story. But I couldn’t, or rather, wouldn’t believe it.
For the next few months I struggled on. Tracking every feed, sleep, poo or wee on a stupid app that helped me feel in control but in hindsight only increased my anxiety that things weren’t right, especially if the day wasn’t the exact same as the day before. Added to that fact my baby would not nap unless in motion and would only be held when she was awake, meant that 4th Trimester was so overwhelming. I hated it. I didn’t bond with her, I didn’t bond with being a mother. I wanted to go back to life before baby.
On Christmas eve 2018 we were staying with my Mother in Law in Devon. I had thrown the baby sling on and headed out for a nap walk. Just me and baby. I hoped to clear my head and get away from the festive buzz, everyone so happy when I couldn’t understand how I would ever enjoy Christmas again.
I looked out to sea and in that moment thought “I could walk out there and end all of this”. That’s when I realised I had a much bigger problem than Baby Blues.
Up to that point my husband and mother had flagged to me that they didn’t think I was ok. But I would brush it off with excuses. “I’m tired” “my boobs hurt” “I’m supposed to feel like this”. But they were right. There were much bigger demons at play here and I needed to do something about it.
January 2 nd 2019 I headed straight to the doctor and broke down. They prescribed me some Antidepressants and a course of CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) to help. Almost immediately I felt better. A placebo maybe initially, but I had done something to take back control of who I was and how I felt.
By summer 2019 I was finally enjoying life with my leading lady. I couldn’t love her any more if I tried and found it incomprehensible to remember the head space I was in just 6 months earlier.
Fast forward a year, I was heavily pregnant again with our 2 nd daughter. A pregnancy flanked by a pandemic and a house move to relocate from London to the Midlands, anyone would have thought I was setting myself up for another traumatic postnatal period. But it didn’t materialise. Despite the gloomy 2020 Winter lockdown being my 4 th Trimester, I was in a totally different place. I knew I couldn’t control my newborn and that was ok. We were going to be absolutely fine. Now don’t get me wrong, the deep rooted control freak in me still rears it’s ugly head every now and then. But my first daughter had taught me I would be ok even if I wasn’t in control.
In May 2021 I realised I wanted to give something back to the Pre and postnatal world. I retrained to become an Antenatal Educator and set up Ready Baby Go antenatal classes. My mission being to provide unbiased and honest antenatal education and give new parents the support they so desperately need. I’m so passionate about informing the expectant parent of the journey ahead, I never want one of my parents to say “nobody told me…” And whilst that can lead to some pretty hard hitting course content, I know they are informed to make the right decisions for them as a family.
Gemma Bryant
Gemma is 37 and lives in Market Harborough with her husband and 2 daughters.
Gemma founded Ready Baby Go antenatal classes in 2021 to offer unbiased and honest antenatal education to prepare expectant parents for birth & beyond. She is passionate about Postnatal Mental health and hopes to spread the message of how normal and common Postnatal depression and anxiety is.
A serial networker, who loves meeting new people, usually over a Flat White or glass of Picpoul! She has aspirations to become a birth and postnatal Doula, supporting families even more directly than she already does.